Faith and loss . . . struggling

Faith and loss

I used to think I was a strong Christian. After all, I have been through a great many things in my life. Overcame a lot of difficulties.
However, when I needed my faith the most, I seemed to lose it or at least be dead to it.
For years, I wanted my twin to be saved. I was very happy when he was. But when it became the most important thing for me to believe that I would see him again in heaven because we both believe in the saving grace of Jesus Christ, I faltered. I’m trying to come out of it. I sometimes force myself to go to church. Sometimes I feel real joy while I am there. Sometimes, I feel nothing. Sometimes I come home and feel only bleakness. Will I see him again? I certainly hope so. At one time, I would have said YES SURELY. Now I want to believe that. One of my dear brothers said to me at our last reunion that he wished he had the faith I had. Now I wish I had the faith I had. It is certainly not that I blame God, or Jesus. I don’t. I just don’t know anymore exactly what it is I feel or believe. But I do know this, if the Christ I have believed in and loved for years is as real as I always thought, He will understand all this and my pain and will love me through it.
How do any of you cope with these feelings? I’m sure I am not alone in them.